Relationships always have built in expectations, most of which we aren’t even aware of. The closer the relationship, the more expectations we tend to have. How many times have you been upset with a loved one or they’ve been upset with you and you’re not even sure why? Many of us like to think of ourselves as giving and receiving unconditional love, but it seldom happens.
When there’s an upset within a relationship, it’s often because there is an expectation that wasn’t met. Something that shouldn’t have happened but did, or something that should have happened but didn’t. In other words, a certain condition wasn’t met. Then, one of our “buttons” gets pushed, and we react with anger, frustration, disappointment etc. In the moment we react, our reasons become more important than our love and commitment for the other.
To have expectations is to be human, but blaming another for the way you react isn’t going to help anyone. Only you can be responsible for the expectations/conditions you have placed on a relationship. The idea of bringing baggage into a relationship, then wanting to make the other responsible for it, is as old as time itself. Expectations are conditions we create which place limits on the relationship then make the other responsible for it.
When we allow our buttons to get pushed and react, we become a victim. The other person seems to be the cause of whatever challenge we perceive; “It’s your fault”, “If you would just stop doing that I wouldn’t get angry” etc. Then, other person reacts to what you did, or said, and they become your victim. It’s like a vicious circle of blame that never seems to end. There is a better way.
As a relationship coach, I help my clients see their expectations then create what they are committed to in their relationship. Together we work on coming from a commitment instead of reacting to your feelings. A clear commitment along with a willingness to practice will go a long way.
